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“I just don’t understand.” She says, over and over. I could explain it to her, make her understand. But the truth isn’t mine alone, so all I can manage is, “I’m sorry.”And truly, I am.She asks to stay the night and after everything I’ve done to her, I can’t deny her. She sleeps in one of my old t-shirts, as I lie stiffly next to her. I don’t know how to comfort a person when I am the very thing that’s hurting them. I sleep badly, woken every now and then by the muffled sounds of her crying.When morning finally dawns, I help her pack a bag of the things she’s left at my place; her toothbrush and expensive shampoo, a small bag of make-up, a couple of changes of clothes. Her face is pale and her eyes are red and puffy. I feel like human garbage. Why did I do this to her? I should have broken up with her months ago. I should have left her the first time I was with Ethan. Then it hits me. I stayed with her, so I could get close to him. That’s the bare-faced truth of it.I’ve been using. By the time we arrived it was late afternoon. The cycle ride from the station had left me sweaty irritated and tired. The other women went in the car with the tents. I had to be reading Simonne de blasted Beauvoir and volunteered to be the one who cycled with the men. What had been exhausting work on the paved road became worse when we dived off into the forest. As I peddle the boneshaker along the track I remind myself that Sartre got the better of their open marriage as he bedded an unending succession of young females while she waited for him in her empty bed. When we arrived there were tents to erect and food to prepare. Fortunately the men were eager to play boy scout and were only too glad to be left to it while I went to ‘commune with the mother goddess’ in the woods. As my need for communion is urgent, I take a length of bog roll and soap. The house we left this morning has a perfectly good lavatory. Did I mention that I hate camping? Brambles and nettles make it a.
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